*Deep Breath*
I don't like the word "Hate" but its really the only word that comes to mind when I think about my father. From a very young age I remember looking up to other friends fathers for guidance. I remember being in high school and my best friends mother and father had a very healthy sexual relationship and didn't have any problems talking about it in front of his son's friends. Nothing graphic but like we were talking about Chinese food and someone said something about rice and he said something like " Oh, I had your mother on a side of rice last night!' Winking and smiling at all of us. Of course his son face palmed and shook his head but this was something very new to me.
This was around 2001. It's now 2017. Lets go back 21 years.
At the age of 7 my father and my mother bought a very nice house, in a very affluential neighborhood in the Salt Lake Valley, Just above the benches. I was brought up a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Still am a member) and was very happy to be living in a much better place then we had lived before. As I remember, my father worked very hard for our family and did provide for us as a family but not as a father. I remember being in Boy Scouts and having the opportunity to go on a hike with the scouts and being able to invite our fathers along on the hike. The hike was to climb Mount Olympus. The drive to the trail head was full of happiness and excitement but was quickly dashed once we got lost on the mountain because my father could not or would not keep up with me and the other scouts. So we turned around, got back into the Subaru and drove home. That next Sunday I felt ashamed, embarrassed and quite humiliated. Since we never made it to the top of the mountain we missed out on a gorgeous sunset, building memories with my father and other scouts.
In this, I am not looking for pity. I am doing this for me. Looking back on how I was treated and how sad I was and still am that even after all this time of growing up, getting married and having three rad kids, my father will still not have anything to do with me. I am doing this so that one day maybe someone will read this and know that you might be affected by your past, you are not your past, that you can be who ever you want to be.
Next post I'll be diving into my childhood, talking about my dog and my sister.
Till next time
-Nicholas
